Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
