you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
