I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
