I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
