she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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