Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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