i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
