I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
