If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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