nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
