She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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