my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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