Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
