you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
