Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
