Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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