i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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