he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
