please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
