Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
