Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
