based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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