I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
