i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
