Sober January is a disaster.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
