That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
