I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
