I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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