Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
