i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
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