he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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