Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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