Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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