When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
