Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
