if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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