I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
