I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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