So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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