I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
