Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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