Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
