its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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