we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We left an ass print on the piano.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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