I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
