I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
