I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
