i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
