He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
