You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
