Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
