u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
