i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
