so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
