I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
