apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
God, I missed his penis.
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