Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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