if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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