Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's blow job season.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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