I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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