I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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